Possible Reasons Why One Would Want Anointed Condoms

Well Zimbabwe woke up to headlines one of the latest self-styled prophets was handing out ‘anointed condoms’.

Ducks Need Condoms
thedailyenglishshow / Foter.com / CC BY

Yes we have gone from anointed oils to anointed condoms. And not only that. There is a huge demand in the church for the lot. Yes, an institution that has traditionally asked its stock to abstain is now giving a get-out clause.

So we wondered why and we have a few reasons:

  1. It’s not sinning. Since it is anointed it is blessed. After all it is blessed by the almighty himself.
  2. It has to be better than what I am getting. Women are keen on these apparently. Geeks in dustcoats and thick-rimmed glasses say close to 90% of women have at most one orgasm in life. Some are on zero.
  3. It is the reason I can’t get any. Some men will think they are not getting any action because, well, it doesn;’t come with the holy spirit. So having that in your pocket means you will get sorted.
  4. It will make me more of a man. Bad workmen blame their tools. Not happy about the other brands and blaming them for why women simply roll away after moments of exertion. This is a real thing
  5. It will prevent HIV infection. Well so do a lot of other brands smart-ass. Well like 96% safe so, erm, yah.
  6. It will deposit my sperm into a holy place. Some churches classify  masturbation as a dirty practice. So now, if you are going to deposit it into a holy place, well, those half-babies are saved from sin.
  7. Other people are rushing too! Well you know how some men are still shy about walking up to a counter to get a condom. Now if everyone is trying to get one it can’t be bad can it?

Real talk though. Like WTF? And has the National Aids Council or the Medicine Control Authority of Zimbabwe know about this?

Like really!

  • Pfumojena Murenga

    Women scramble for ‘anointed’ condoms: Victory World International Ministries founder Paul Sanyangore prayed for condoms before distributing them to a number of female parishioners at his church service in Mbare last week in a move that left many baffled. Sanyangore – who recently made headlines in the media after threatening to resurrect bodies in Harare mortuaries – claimed the bizarre incident started after a certain woman approached the Mbare-based church for advice on the use of condoms in her marriage. She separated from her husband for three years and they are mooting a re-union but her husband is already HIV positive. Sanyangore later distributed the condoms to other women with similar problems – Daily News, Tuesday November 24, Pg 3

  • Sex is after all, a blessed union so why not use blessed utensils.