How To Be A Successful Businessman In Zimbabwe

Go to university or college but thats not really important .What is more important is to be a middleman for some godfather or Bigdhara who sells petrol, or diamonds. Also ensure you talk fast and do quick calculations without a calculator. The Bigdharas are a bit slow and need a fast thinker to run errands for them. Quick talking will impress them.

Even if you didnt go to college when you talk use fancy finance or business terms like, profit, percent and cut yangu or icut yami. Start your own business as soon as you can, being young and energetic is very important.

Keep everyone guessing about where you got the money to finance your business. By about the age of 26-30 make sure that you are involved in a hostile takeover of one of the large corporations. The key here is the bigger the better. Make sure all the drama plays out blow by blow on TV and in newspapers.  Appear to be loosing but be victorious in the end. Make sure you appear on Tv looking very smart with shiny valentino suits. In interviews remember to thank God for his blessings.

Always dress in evening wear even if its during the day. Always wear an expensive suit no matter the occasion. The suits you wear should be brands that people know. Also leave the tag on the cuff of the jacket to clearly show Armani, Valentino and so forth. These tags are removable and infact are meant to be taken off, make sure you stitch these tags securely before they fall off.

Always make sure that when your story is being told it has a classic rags to riches theme. Be seen around the streets of Harare driving flashy cars like Mercedes Benz ML, BMW , if you are a 4×4 kind of person it has to be a BMW X5, Hammer, a Range Rover a Jeep or Escalade. The goal however is to end up driving a Bently or Rolls Royce. Having a collection of all these cars also is ideal dont sell one to buy another, just keep the old car because people may think you are broke.When you buy a new car have someone text a picture with you in the drivers seat or standing next to it, to a reporter of any of the newspapers  so as to keep the nation updated of your progress.

When you talk always make reference to certain historical figures and events in Zimbabwe about land and empowerment but always make sure you partner and invite  international big companies to do business in Zimbabwe. Protect the interests of your international partners always. Own 51% of the company on paper and only 2% in reality. Dont worry too much about how much money these companies will take to their home countries, just worry about whats going into your pocket.

At some point start a family, be married because stability is important. Invite the whos who of Zimbabwe to your wedding. Your wife has to be a praying wife. Buy her the book titled “Power of A Praying Wife” she will surely need it. Always make sure your mistress or smallhouse is one of the city girls.The requirements are that she has to be very pretty and equally popular. The best way to get one of these girls is to look around and steal a rival businessman’s mistress. Never make the mistake of keeping a smallhouse for too long. Buy her a car and a flat and move on to the next girl.

Have a rediculously big house in the dale-dales the more rooms the better. Dont worry too much about design and decor or the final finish. As long as it is big and has uncoordinated expensive furniture, thats good enough to make everyone envious. Every monthend go to Dubai and South Africa for shopping. Every christmas go to London and US for holiday. For those not allowed  in some Western countries, try  Malaysia and China. Also send your children to study in these countries.

Never let your children forget their roots. Always remind them that you are rich. Allow them to sag their pants and wear dresses that show considerable thighs and breasts. They can talk as if they are American after all they have DSTV in their bedrooms and have been to Disneyland more than once.

When your children are young Never ever attempt to teach them Ndebele or Shona or any of the languages spoken in Zimbabwe. This is a no-no because it will spoil their nasal english accents.Tell your maid to speak to your children ONLY  in english. The best way to avoid bad english is to send them to private schools with many white people. Shona or Ndebele can be learnt when they turn twenty years old. Nokia N series, I-phones, Blackberries and I-pads are important gifts to give children. Although all the networks in Zimbabwe only support a tenth of the functions on these gagets buy them anyway.

Things like white-dress parties, childrens birthdays, sweet sixteen parties and anniversaries are very important and are to be strictly observed.Make sure you outdo your rivals at being lavish. Donate a cow for independance day celebrations in your village. Also make sure you pay for everything at your relatives funeral. Have someone tell H-Metro how kind you are and let that person give them all the details including figures of money spent .

Be seen in the company of politicians in public. Always participate in political events. Choose one of the two main parties to be associated with. If you are really good be involved with both . It is however best advised to choose one so that you are seen wearing their campaign shirts once in a while. When the party you have being supporting is getting unpopular, secretly start befriending members of the other party. You will need to quickly change sides at some point and these friends will vouch that you were one of them.

If you see a politican walking on the streets,  impress everyone around you by loudly calling the 60 year old politican to get his attention, do not use their surname or say Mr so and so. Use their first name intimately , shout out Garikayi !, Temba !, or Tendai! Make sure you explain to those around, how you know the politican. Always mention that you are related, or are good friends, or that you lent the politician money at some point.

Rubbing certain people the wrong way is unavoidable. You will also be involved in high profile cases that involve spying for America and England or externalization of money. Make sure you practise walking in leg irons and handcuffs.

  • Yahwe

    load of crap