How to Maintain a Small House

So we wrote a piece the other week about how to be the perfect small house(mistress). A few of the women who are inclined to that lifestyle had a thing to say about the whole thing. Lovely stuff. Then we thought, from what I got from a few,it seemed as if most men did not know how to treat their mistress.

For those who don’t care much for this kind of thing or do not have the sense of humour to handle it, stop reading now. For there are men out there for whom the whole thing is desirable there are few fundamental things to keep in mind. This is not targeted at those who are trying to find a new partner because their marriage is not working but for those who like to dip their toes in pools that are not their own.

Rule number 1 and don’t get it twisted. Never lie about your marital status. And never lie about your intentions in the relationship. Noone likes to be lied to.

In addition to that know why you are in this relationship and stick to that. You don’t love her. Don’t feel bad about that. The fact that you care is good enough.  In the current economy it is about sex and money. So make sure that you keep those flowing. However make sure they are not at the expense of the wife.

Just because you don’t love her, you don’t have license  to be a jackass. There are a lot of men out there just like you and better than you who can fulfill the same obligations you have tied yourself to.

Keep everything separated. The small house and your family should never exist in the same emotional, social and economic time zone. in fact don’t talk about your family with the small house. And it goes without saying that mention your small house to the wife is probably not the best options on the table unless you have a suicide note stashed somewhere.

To do that effectively, make sure the place you take your small house to is the place you will never take your wife to. The really classy places is where you take your wife to. The places in lower rungs are where you take the mistress to. However make sure you don’t go to places that are a bit dodge. You don’t want H-Metro or B-Metro catching you in the act. In effect when in public there should be no public demonstration of affections.

Be as adventurous as you like. It will keep her interested and it will make you look fresh. And it will keep the situation appropriate. She is doing stuff you can’t do with your wife so go as far as you like. Want to try menage-a-trois? She is perfect for it. Unless she is the perfect small house then she will shoot the idea down.

Stay in the moment. Treat the small house like the fantasy she is.After all, she is the fantasy. The wife is the reality.

When the wife calls, run home. The wife is number one and when she wants her attention give it to her. This is not subject to negotiation or compromise. And make sure the small house understands this.

Don’t spend too much time doing things that might be considered romantic. And by that I am not saying that you should not be romantic. Just don’t give her the sort of attention that got you married. In essence, don’t have a meaningful relationship with her.

Make sure one of your friends know about her. Someone is going to have to cover for you. Not one of your dodgy friends but one of the friends your wife trusts. In fact make sure that this friend has his own sins to cover.

If she says she loves you, manage the situation. You saying you love means a lot more than she saying it to you. She actually means it. You don’t so don’t say it.

Don’t get her pregnant. Need I say more?

If you should have more than one, remember their names. Noone enjoys being called baby all the time. Or worse yet, being called by someone else’s name.

When it starts getting complicated, run for the hills. Know when to cut your losses. This relationship was going nowhere. There are many fish in the sea and for you this is a catch and release sport.

There are probably a bunch of other rules that are important but these are the fundamental ones. Of course you can adapt them to your situation as you see fit.

However be aware that because you are dealing with human beings, someone is always going to get hurt. If you are willing to live with that then, happy hunting.

  • Mr Reality

    Is this a Zimbabwean blog? I think it’s pretty safe to assume that a large proportion of those posting agreeable comments to this piece (and the previous related piece) are probably carrying an STI of some sort (more than likely the most dreaded one). Anyone who lives this sort of lifestyle may not be with us in a few short years (same goes for all us, but our odds are way better!).

    The sort of loose behaviour implicitly encouraged here is exactly the reason why Zimbabwe, Southern Africa and the black nation as a whole suffers from such devastating, yet avoidable problems like HIV and AIDS. 30% in Zim, 40% in Botswana, 20+% in South Africa – the stats are frightening. The number of orphans is incomprehensible. The economic damage probably borders on tsunami-scale destruction.

    Now, before you start going on about condoms and ARVs, bear in mind that most people in long term relationships, small houses included, tend to stop using protection after while. Intimacy is inversely proportional to protection!

    Once they’ve stopped (if they ever started) using protection with the ‘small house’ they continue shafting (in more ways than one) their wife, with no protection ofcourse. And the begins the viral merry-go-round. God forbid that Ms Small House has something else going on.

    A reminder to the men, it’s wise to work with the assumption that if you have a mistress, you’re not the first married man she’s been with.

    When you draw the whole picture it quickly gets very scary. The number of people that have exchanged bodily fluids is disgustingly high. There’s you, your wife, your mistress, her other guys (present or past!), those guys’ wives, those guys’ other mistresses, those mistresses’ other guys etc.

    That’s the arithmetic of HIV. THAT’S how so many of us ignorant Africans have allowed a manageable disease to explode out of control – to the devastation of our children and generations to come.

  • Insight

    I couldn’t agree more,Mr R!

  • sedze

    yah, this way you get caught, then the god arent with yu

  • candice

    Men will always cheat. Atleast this means that they take the necessary measures to not hurt their wives.