Tino Katsande’s Post On Sextapes An Absolute Must Read…
Socialite Tino Katsande has opened her heart on Facebook on the issue of sextapes.
In the post you see a side of the story that is never told, from a person who was actually affected and the horror of it all.
It is a bit long but it is an absolute MUST READ!
We post it here unedited.
I’m sharing this post today with a heart full of regret and self disappointment. Today , I am a failure.
A year ago yet another young woman reached out to me for comfort and counsel after an ex of hers released a sextape of her to the campus community at a university in Nigeria she was enrolled in. It went viral. She was not Zimbabwean no but she felt I could help her overcome the complete humiliation and castigation she was now experiencing because of the leaked tape. This young lady said she followed my posts after reading of my situation and felt that I was “the bravest woman ” she knew to still be an “indomitable public figure in a country like Zimbabwe” which she stated as “unforgiving”. Now at that time I was still going through my own healing of the personal violation and although the world uttered “you are strong TinTin” I was completely shattered inside, so in a two lined response I replied to her ” thank you. Don’t worry. You will eveuntually feal witjh it. This too shall pass”. Today I received a inbox from her friend saying she committed suicide last weekend and left a note alluding to the fact that she could no longer face life because everyone kept judging her over the leaked sextape. I’m gutted. How could I have been so selfish? I should have done more. Mwari ndiregereyi ( Lord forgive me)
Firstly let me make it loud and clear that – No I’m no authority in sex or sex positions or sex therapy or anything sexually inclined for that matter. I’m far from an erotic sex symbol or sexual vixen . Infact in all earnesty you see ,for me sex was quite the chore (until I met my husband ie.) Oh boi. Now I totally understand why sex should be saved for marriage or indeed for that ONE person you become yoked to.
” but from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh . So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God had joined let no man separate” #Biblical (yaa gorerino ndadzidza shuwa)
Now , that’s not to say my previous partners were not exceptional love makers,but much of the fault in the whole “movie romantics” lay with me because as I said ,to me, sex was so over rated
. Albeit my sexual preferences or rather lack of ,is not what I’m alluding to in this post.
However , being a person who was so gravely exposed by the media in Zimbabwe though the publishing of a leaked sex tape some years ago which subsequently cost me my job then , my reputation and some very valuable relationships, I dare say I am an authority to talk on recording or capturing private intimate moments with your partner and more importantly an authority to talk about the over coming of such a violation of ones personal space. Indeed it was one of the most darkest periods of my life’s journey yet and yes if I could turn back the hands of time I would or if I could perhaps have had been more persuasive to tabloid journalist Adoration Bizure or his Editor Lawarance ,who published the content they may not have published it – but like was said ” sorry Tino but this is a hot story and inotengesa mabepa” , (you sell papers Tino – this story sells ), I wouldn’t be writing this today. And most importantly I wouldn’t be reaching out to the numerous number of young girls and women who have in boxed me at their teather after their private sexual material was exposed.
I will tell you now the publishing of your private sexual life feels like a gross group rape which every time you think of it you feel raped again and again and again. You are mentally, emotionally , psychologically so adversely affected you are at risk of becoming a lifeless and purposeless being. Just the thought of people you don’t know and don’t ever want to know seeing you at your most vulnerable intimate moment and worse still having those arbitrary people make comments on your intimacy is in a nutshell, so grossly devastating. Your zeal to face another day is completely stripped from you. I went through it. I know what I’m talking about BUT I also know what I’m living now , and that is to accept, forgive, let go and move on for indeed ” this too shall pass”.
Where I think I failed with the Nigeria beauty is that I didn’t explain or share how I have been able to #DealWithIt. I will do it now and no I’m not a trained counselor or therapist . I am a victim who became a victor unto myself. I can only share with you what worked for me and pray you find refuge and solution in it.
Look if you are or have gone through such a personal violation where your most intimate moments with someone you trusted were exposed and have now left you feeling betrayed, vulnerable and desperate, hear me now , it will NOT GO AWAY until you DEAL WITH IT. Don’t kid yourself. People you don’t know, people you respect, people you fear, people you love, people you detest, people of a lower social standing than you, people across all walks of life now know what your inner most naked body looks like. It’s humiliating. It’s the ultimate embarrassment to you and your loved ones no matter what they say BUT, you must rise above it all. know this :
You DID NOT capture any of those moments for the world to see.
You DID NOT invite ANYONE into your private space to watch you and comment. You DID NOT take the material for publishing to anyone.
None of what what led to this exposure was your wish or intention when you decided to be intermit like that with your partner .
In hindsight, should you have done it in the first place? (which is a question you ask yourself over and over again often laced with guilt and shame).
1.Why did I do it in the first place ? YOU MUST ANSWER THAT QUESTION TO YOURSELF. MY answer?……….. well, I am not here to say yay or nay as that is a personal choice to express your sexualty with your partner but I do so dearly wish I had thought it through first before agreeing to it. I wish I had appreciated then that in today’s world of technology filled with voyeurism, and sexual malice, that sensitive material could very possibly end up in the wrong hands. Thing is once you capture anything on devices know that you will never have 100% control over it. NEVER. So, my advice to all young and older woman feeling a bit freaky with your partner. DON’T DO IT!!!! To Young women especially, you who are not as experienced with men and their sweet tongues, DON’T FEEL OBLIGED TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON’T WANT TO because in the end only YOU will be labled “hure”, (whore) “bitch”, “cheap”, etc by this here our very patriarchal society. Don’t get it twisted. Even if you name the man in this ‘tango’, our society has it that it is only you the woman who will be castigated. It is only you who will be named and shamed.
2. Forgiveness . You need to first and foremost forgive yourself for making a misjudgment in your trust of another person. Literally tell yourself, ” it’s okay self . I forgive you for not being wiser. I forgive you for making this mistake. ” Given it takes a while to sink in but keep reassuring yourself that you acknowledge you made a mistake here , but you are wiser now and you will never make such a mistake again. Then you need to forgive the person you ‘tangoed’ with as this can very easily destroy how you view men and relationships from here on out. Regardless if they were involved in exposing you or not you will feel they are to blame too. Don’t let that eat you up because it will inhibit you from enjoying a great sexual relationship and trusting the right man when you finally get him. Then you need to forgive those that actually published your stuff. Not just the vindictive journalist or that malicious other but this includes family and friends who received the material and added to the chain of ruining you by reposting, sharing or watsapping to the next person. Yes my dear. they all told you “I haven’t even seen it ” but don’t be an idiot. EVERYONE has seen it . You must just forgive them for failure to do so will harbor and breed such venom in your heart you will become a fake person to others and worse a fake person to yourself. Then finally you must forgive “the critics”. Yes those that say the nastiest things on social media or in person, those that have decided they are the judge of whether or not you will enter heaven. Those that find comfort in hiding behind your misfortune with the notion of “zvangu zviri nani” ( at least my stuff isn’t all out there). Those that find joy in castigating you yet they are doing or have done the exact same thing. Yes my dear. You must forgive them too for failure to do so will leave you living your life always on the defense and why should you do that to yourself. You owe it to yourself to live without always having a protective gear on.
3. You MUST talk about it. This please leave me alone and I don’t want to talk about it approach is hogwash. You are human. You have been hurt terribly. You must find a constructive outlet and talking about it to someone who is sympathetic and who you believe won’t judge you is crucial for your healing. I turned to family members, my best friends , my personal mentors like Tonderai “TK” Katsande who I worked with then on the breakfast show and of course my friend and pastor Rogers Nhari. I talked openly with them and cried nights away with them. They offered no solution but they offered comfort, a safe haven to hide from the cruel world and above all an ear to just listen. Then when time came they stopped with the sympathy card and made me #GetUpAndDoSomething. They gave me the harsh talk and told me “enough of your wallowing Tinopona. Life doesn’t revolve around you. Get up and live your life again”. They showed me I was so much more than a leaked sextape. I had so much more to offer in life than this glitch in my life plan. And today I am saying the same to you. Find the right people to confide in , wallow then get up and go girl !!
4 . Finally and most importantly YOU NEED TO BE RIGHT WITH GOD. I had to hit rock bottom through this experience to realize this. Listen, God made you. He knew you before you were even born as HE intricately wove you in your mothers womb. HE completely and totally understands you and HE loves you unconditionally and endlessly. Belive ME. I’m a living testimony. Of course like you I became so spiritually ashamed I felt I couldn’t pray to HIM even. Gosh at one point I even blamed HIM for letting it happen to me but I realized He gave me freedom of choice and I CHOSE to shoot that sextape and now I had to be ACCOUNTABLE. but his counsel as Prince of peace became such a reality . I confessed my guilt to HIM and said with every ounce in my body ” itai mponesi izvomunoda” (let your will be done” and you know what HE replied. …….” ahhh mwana wangu , there you are. So glad to have you back”……..
So like evrything else in life. BE ACCOUNTABLE for your actions. FORGIVE. TALK ABOUT IT #DealWithIt and #moveon.