A Girl’s Survival Guide For The Clubbing Newbie

Clubbing for the newbie can often be a horrendous experience if said novice goes into the whole thing without knowing how to prevent the nasty things from happening.

This is survival guide for the girl that feels out of place and needs the tools to prevent the creeps from attacking her. I have to admit I started going out only in university. It is unfortunate that no one ever taught me how to handle the club scene. The experience I have had has helped me equip the newbie to the club scene.

Dress up!

I always wear heels and go all out on the make-up, mostly because I have gone to the club in shabby clothes and with Facebook paparazzi now at clubs, do not look your worst. You might be new on the scene so do not look like an outcast. Do remember to look decent and not a total skank.

Heels can be painful but you should seriously contemplate the advantage of heels. If you are short you will feel less like a midget. I have also stepped on a couple of people with my pointy heel, although I feel sorry for stepping on the person, I am glad I was wearing heels so I am not the one stepped on.

Get a male bodyguard

Now the key to getting rid of creeps is by a number of tricks. If you do not want to be talking to any strange characters at the club, have a chaperone. This can be a male person you stand closer to when the weirdoes come. It can be you brother, friend or boyfriend, just make sure you indicate you are off bounds.

Convenient deafness and blindness

When you find a creep trying to holler, this is the best solution. Just act like they are invisible and you can’t hear what they are saying. By looking into an empty space and a straight face like you do not hear them. Especially when you walk to and fro the bathroom, I found the starers following my every step, the solution is to keep walking and make sure you do not trip or look back.

The strange accent

When you find yourself talking to a creep, conventional methods would tell you to send him off. Perhaps you are too shy to be rude, or maybe you are misinterpreted as playing hard to get here is the best solution. Talk in the weirdest accent you can think of. This might mean terrible English, squeaky voice, Steve Erkel laugh, shrieking giggle, whatever makes you weird and unappealing conversation. I once used the MOJO JOJO voice, by repeating the question and not answering it. This is me “You asking me for my name, my name? You mean the noun that I am called by..” till he eventually drove away.

Dance floor hazard moves

When a creep keeps ruining you dancing and thinks it is inviting him over do what I call the dance floor hazard. The way to get him away is to dance in seriously dangerous dance moves that could harm him. Out of tune, slow motion booty shaking, elbow throwing, a total dance fit.

These tips help the newbie enjoy the club scene and scare away the vultures.


Miss Robin (The Concrete Jungle Fashionista)



  • kudzi

    Lol! really funny and helpful!